Say Hello

So I stopped drinking recently. You might have noticed from the strange new coherency this blog has taken on. And it's not because I got sick one night and swore that I'd never drink again; and then didn't, for like a week. This is different. I don't feel as though I'll never drink again, but I won't do it anytime soon. I have my reasons. And for the first time in my life, a decision like this has nothing to do with a woman. I mean, yeah it does in a certain sense - pretty much everything I do is in one way or another associated with some woman - but this is a decision I've come to separate and apart from that.

The first few days were tough; not extremely so but a little bit uncomfortable. Though the long-run should prove the hardest. Between the daily degradations, the constant stupidity you have to encounter from other people, the sudden pangs that need an urgent fix, a quick dulling; not to mention the social discomfit of bars and clubs. I guess I'll need another outlet and we'll see what form that takes.

I remember those first few days, with that squirming feeling and the sweating. I just remember these lines repeating themselves in my head over and over to the point of exhaustion:

don't be safe, most of all don't be safe,
don't be self-conscious...

It's a nice little thing to chatter to yourself when your leg is shaking to the point where it feels like it just might fly off on its own. But the point is to get over yourself and all the bullshit around you. "Leave it all out there" as they say. At the end of the day it's yourself you take to bed and if you're lucky, maybe someone else too. But really, you have to ask yourself who you want to be in bed with; yourself, or that person they want you to be, or think you are.

So sit still for a moment. Turn off the chatterbox. Turn off the other voices that are telling you anything. And just listen. Now say hello.